Ok, so i am not sure now if i really have preggies symptoms or if it's just my mind fucking with me again. I feel SUPA EMO (emotional) all the time. Sometimes i love the people around me and other times i cannot even stand their smell and i want them to leave me alone!!! But i can't be mean and say "thank you for your support in my time of loneliness but could you leave now"... That would make me a bitch no?
Actually, all i want to do right now is stay home, eat all day and sleep. That's really what i want, but there are so many things to think about.
THINGS THAT CONSUME MY MIND:
1. I really have to start saving money for this child.
2. I want a girl but i know i will probably get a boy... damn it!!
3. When am i going to start showing?
4. How am i going to tell my ex boyfriend (the cracker), it's really only been two months since our break up.
5. How do i deal with my family, what do i say to them when they ask me who the father is?
6. I want to buy a high tech baby transporter... none of this cheap shit that is more of an inconvenience than anything. I have to be able to go hiking with my baby.
7. What am i going to name my baby, i don't want it to have an english name at all, and it will have my surname.
8. Oh my gosh i am hungry, i need to eat.
9. Uh... i beg your pardon? i didn't get that.
10. Why am i XTREMELY SAD then XTREMELY HAPPY? how do i control these feelings?
11. Money money, money, money.
12. Where will i stay when i am on maternity leave?
13. Will my job keep me on or am i going to be jobless?
14. Oh my goodness i am hungry... oh shit, now i feel sick... DAMNIT!!!!!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Feeling alone and lost
Ok, so i guess my situations is a bit unconventional... i actually prefer it, but living with the decisions we make sometimes is the hard part.
BACKGROUND: i had a crack head boyfriend for a year and a half, lived with him and gave him my soul, until one day i woke up and decided that there is no way he can/will quit crack unless we move from Jozi and get into a new environment... AND, i was also feeling a little claustrophobic, the city seemed to be swallowing me, so i found a job in the lovely calming city of Cape Town.
Long story short, he didn't move down with me and i broke up with him after arriving, realising that life was filled with a lot more possibilities than a life destined to be a crack heads girlfriend. But thats not the point of this blog so i won't dwell on that too much.
Point is i felt lonely, sad, confused vulnerable and willing to be, and as fate would have it, this was the time i bumped into an old boyfriend who for two months showed me what it meant to be loved... and i loved it, and i longed to love unconditionally again. We started trying for a baby, caught up i the euphoria of a rekindled flame, we were also really good as friends and this worked to add spirit onto the flame, if ya know what i mean.
Anyway, we broke up after he started to irritate me and me realising that i didn't give myself enough time between the two relationships. We continued as friends though that was starting to get a little weird for both of us.
NOW, i find out i am preggies and he is looking to rekindle another old love and WE are truly done. I had thoughts of terminating my pregnancy, but eventually decided that i had initially wanted this child and that the higher power i had called upon for the child had granted me by request, so what the fuck...
So i tell him and he is happy and i actually prefer not being with him during this time because i honestly don't think we are compatible.
Anyway, this is me not knowing that when you are preggies, you are SUPER EMO and need love from time to time.
So here i sit, lonely, can't get ahold of him, no money for airtime to even random call for some affection. So what do most lonely people in the world do? THEY START A BLOG...:-)
so here it is, preggies and single, this is me expressing my irritations and the process, my joys and my pains. I don't think that there is anyone in my life right now that will have the time and patience to listen to my ranting and emo talk... at least here i get to release my thoughts. I don't really give a fuck if anybody reads it (shit, i should probably stop swearing now). I want to be a good Mom.. ok damn, #porridge brain attack.
This is me leaving you with nothing to think about, there is no moral to my stories and this is definitely not a support platform for the preggies and single lady... i read some of those and uh.... HELLL FUCKIN NO!!! that's not me.
SPIRIT BE LOVE
BACKGROUND: i had a crack head boyfriend for a year and a half, lived with him and gave him my soul, until one day i woke up and decided that there is no way he can/will quit crack unless we move from Jozi and get into a new environment... AND, i was also feeling a little claustrophobic, the city seemed to be swallowing me, so i found a job in the lovely calming city of Cape Town.
Long story short, he didn't move down with me and i broke up with him after arriving, realising that life was filled with a lot more possibilities than a life destined to be a crack heads girlfriend. But thats not the point of this blog so i won't dwell on that too much.
Point is i felt lonely, sad, confused vulnerable and willing to be, and as fate would have it, this was the time i bumped into an old boyfriend who for two months showed me what it meant to be loved... and i loved it, and i longed to love unconditionally again. We started trying for a baby, caught up i the euphoria of a rekindled flame, we were also really good as friends and this worked to add spirit onto the flame, if ya know what i mean.
Anyway, we broke up after he started to irritate me and me realising that i didn't give myself enough time between the two relationships. We continued as friends though that was starting to get a little weird for both of us.
NOW, i find out i am preggies and he is looking to rekindle another old love and WE are truly done. I had thoughts of terminating my pregnancy, but eventually decided that i had initially wanted this child and that the higher power i had called upon for the child had granted me by request, so what the fuck...
So i tell him and he is happy and i actually prefer not being with him during this time because i honestly don't think we are compatible.
Anyway, this is me not knowing that when you are preggies, you are SUPER EMO and need love from time to time.
So here i sit, lonely, can't get ahold of him, no money for airtime to even random call for some affection. So what do most lonely people in the world do? THEY START A BLOG...:-)
This is me leaving you with nothing to think about, there is no moral to my stories and this is definitely not a support platform for the preggies and single lady... i read some of those and uh.... HELLL FUCKIN NO!!! that's not me.
SPIRIT BE LOVE
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